The Seven Days and Nights of Splinter
by Ryan Phelan
Summary: Every year, Splinter goes on a weeklong retreat.  What does he do when he's away from his sons' prying eyes?


**Disclaimer: I do not own the TMNT. This story was actually inspired by a plot bunny from my last story. What exactly was Splinter doing on the "retreat" that was mentioned in "The Wearing of the Green"? (That is a plot bunny, right? I'm not that familiar with the lingo here). Anyway, he's the answer! **

**The T rating is just to be safe.  I'm not that familiar with this ridiculous new rating system either.**

The Seven Days and Nights of Splinter

Master Splinter stared at the contents on his bed. A book, a butterfly knife, an apple and some…he couldn't resist…cheese. He quickly folded them up into a cloth bag; after tying the bundle to a stick, he was ready to go.

The door to his room slid open, and he found himself staring into the four pairs of eyes of his precious, precious sons. "I am leaving, my sons," he said. "Leonardo, take care of your brothers. I will see you in a week."

"Goodbye, Master Splinter," Leo said.

"Have fun," Don said.

"Watch your back," Raph said.

"Bring me something," Mike said.

Master Splinter exited the lair. The minute the heavy stone doors closed behind him, he broke into a wide grin. "YES!" He cried, jumping into the air and pumping his fist. He was now officially on vacation, or as he called it…

Operation Get the Hell Away from the Kids.

As much as Splinter loved his sons, there were times when they were altogether too much to bear, even for a Master of Ninjitsu. If he didn't get some time to himself once in a while, he feared that one day he just might snap and kill them all.

Hence, his annual retreat.

Splinter hurried through the sewers until he was directly underneath the airport. Using his rat agility he scrambled up the ladder and removed the manhole cover, emerging 300 yards from the runway.  Splinter spotted his ride, a Boeing 747. The baggage handlers were busy loading it up; with his expertise in the art of invisibility, Splinter had no trouble slipping past them and into the plane. Once they closed up the belly, Splinter came out of hiding and settled down on a makeshift bed of luggage. He reached into his bundle and pulled out the book; a half-naked man and woman were on the cover, staring at each other passionately. Directly above that was the title, _The Beautiful Boring People Who Talk About Their Feelings for 400 Pages._ He then pulled an iPod from his robe, slipped on the headphones, and leaned back to enjoy the long flight. Where was he going, you ask? Why, where all mutant ninja rats go when they want to relax and unwind…Las Vegas!

> > > >

The plane touched down in Las Vegas after midnight. Splinter hopped a cab to the Strip, getting out at the Circus Circus Casino. No one batted an eye as he walked through the doors; after all, this was Las Vegas…that town had seen far stranger things than a giant talking rat.

"SPLINTER!" A young female voice cried. It belonged to a blonde blackjack dealer. "Get your tail over here!"

Splinter walked over to the crowded blackjack table and sat down at the last available stool. "Hello Grace.  How are you?"  He asked.

"Fantastic," Grace replied as she dealt the cards. "I finally dumped that loser Jeff. You were right about him. Thanks for saving me from making the biggest mistake of my life."

"You're welcome, my child," Splinter said. "Hit me."

Splinter played Blackjack well into the morning, racking up winnings of over 10,000 dollars using the ancient ninja art of Gambushido. Glancing at the watch of the person sitting next to him, he realized it was time for Keno. He collected his chips and headed to the other end of the casino to the Keno room; once there he headed to the front row, where an elderly couple sat.

"Splinter! You made it!" The woman cried.

"I told ya he'd be here," her husband said proudly. "Every year, like clockwork."

"Bob, Flo," Splinter said as he sat down next to them. "How are you doing?"

"Same old, same old," Bob said. "How about you?"

"Very well, thank you," Splinter replied. "How is the family?"

"Wonderful!" Flo said. "Ricky just got his driver's license! He's the first of the grandchildren to drive. His brothers think they've got their own personal chauffeur, but of course Ricky has other ideas."

"They're driving their parents crazy with their fights," Bob laughed. "Joe's ready to send the car to the junkyard just to get some peace and quiet."

"As if that would work," Splinter laughed. "Then they'll fight about whose fault it is that the car is gone."

"That's what I said, but Joe won't listen," Flo said. "Kids. Once they hit forty, they think they know everything."

"So how are your kids?" Bob asked. "Still getting into trouble?"

"Of course," Splinter said. "A few months ago I had to rescue them from a secret government lab. Michelangelo was this close to being dissected." Splinter held up his thumb and index finger less than an inch apart.

"That Michelangelo," Flo laughed, shaking her head.

"Hey, did the rash on Raphael's butt ever clear up?" Bob asked.

"It did," Splinter replied. "And did your daughter's breast enhancement surgery go well?"

"Yup. She's now got bigger boobs on her than Capitol Hill," Flo said. "But enough talk. Let's play Keno."

Splinter, Bob and Flo played Keno for several hours (where Splinter won another 10,000 dollars), before taking a break and hitting the all-you-can-eat buffet. In between mouthfuls of meatloaf and pasta salad, they discussed more embarrassing things about their kids. Afterwards Splinter bid his friends goodbye and left the casino.

> > > > >

Splinter dropped off his winnings at the Las Vegas Orphanage on the way to his next destination…the MGM Grand. As usual the gigantic casino stood out in all its grandiose glory, lit up brighter than the sun itself. Bright yellow letters over a foot high scrolled across a huge electric billboard: THIS WEEK AT THE MGM GRAND...WWE SMACKDOWN!

Splinter walked into the casino, past the gambling tables and straight to the arena; the doors to the main entrance were closed, but the sounds of noisy fans cheering on their favorite wrestlers rang through loud and clear. Splinter passed the entrance and went through a door marked EMPLOYEES ONLY.

Backstage was chaos on an endless sea of spandex, feathers and glitter. Splinter wandered through the crowd until he spotted a nervous looking man in a three-piece suit, looking very much out of place. The man spotted Splinter at almost the same time and hurried over.

"Splinter!" The man cried. "Why do you always arrive at the last possible minute! You're going to give me a heart attack one of these days!"

"Calm yourself, Jonathon," Splinter said. "Patience is the key to inner peace."

"Whatever, just get dressed," Jonathon said. "You're on in five!"

Five minutes later…

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" The announcer's voice boomed across the arena. "NOW FOR THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR…THE MAIN EVENT!"

The crowed went wild; the announcer waited for the noise to die down somewhat before he continued. "PRESENTING THE CHALLENGER…THE MASTER OF MAYHEM, THE PRINCE OF PAIN…THE ANNIHILATOR!"

The crowd booed furiously as a tall muscular man emerged from the curtains in the back and made his way down the aisle; he wore a black unitard, black boots, and a glittering gold cape. He climbed into the ring and stomped around with confidence, flashing a double victory sign; the crowd booed louder and threw their hot dog wrappers and popcorn buckets at him.

"AND PRESENTING OUR REINING CHAMPION…THE RULER OF THE RUMBLE…THE KING OF THE RING…NINJA OVERLORD!

A short wrestler, covered from head to toe in black ninja gear and wearing an oversized belt, emerged from the other end of the arena and headed to the ring; the crowd immediately switched from boos to wild cheers. The Annihilator pointed to Ninja Overlord as he got into the ring, screaming in graphic detail the things he was going to do to him. Ninja Overlord calmly handed his belt to a woman in a bikini, then turned to his opponent and bowed.

"LET'S GET RRREADY TO RUMBUUUUUUUULLLLLLL!" The bell rang and the two opponents began to circle each other, each looking for a weak spot. Suddenly, the two charged; the Annihilator grabbed Ninja Overlord and slammed him down on the mat several times. Then, with his opponent lying still in the middle of the ring, the Annihilator climbed up on a pole and prepared to deliver his vicious 200 lb. payload directly onto Ninja Overlord's chest. With an ear-piercing cry, the Annihilator sailed through the air; Ninja Overlord suddenly sprang to life, rolling out of harm's way seconds before impact. Landing with a thud, and enraged Annihilator got up and charged his opponent, only to be knocked off his feet by a foot sweep; Ninja Overlord immediately pounced on his fallen opponent and managed to get him in a half-nelson. The Annihilator staggered to his feet and violently whipped his upper body back and forth in an attempt to shake off the ninja.  All the while the crowd cheered at a decibel level that rivaled the noise of a jumbo jet.

Ten minutes of crazed body-slamming action later, Ninja Overlord stood triumphantly over the beaten body of his opponent. The crowed went crazy; dozens of security guards strained to hold back the tidal wave of fans as Ninja Overlord reclaimed his belt and made his way back up the aisle. Once inside his quiet dressing room he breathed a sigh of relief; the noise of the ring was hard on his sensitive ears. But as he started to undress, the Annihilator suddenly burst through the door, followed by reporters and a TV crew.

"YOU THINK THIS IS OVER! IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL THE ANNIHILATOR SAYS IT'S OVER!" He screamed.

The ninja immediately sprang into a defensive stance. The Annihilator continued to shout and wave his hands threateningly until the man in the three-piece suit showed up.

"That's all, folks! You want more, you'll have to come back tomorrow!" Jonathon yelled.  He pushed everyone out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

Once they were alone, the Annihilator and Ninja Overlord relaxed. "Nice job out there, Splinter," The Annihilator said.

"You did very well yourself," Splinter said, pulling off his mask. "I think that performance was our best one ever."

"You say that every year, and every year you are correct," the Annihilator smiled as he removed his cape. "I've never met anyone who could write a wrestling script as well as you!"

"It's a gift," Splinter said. "So, how are the wife and kids?"

"Great," the Annihilator replied as he pulled on his street clothes. "And how are your boys? Did that rash on Raphael's butt ever clear up?"

"Yes, thanks to that ointment you recommended," Splinter replied. He put his costume in his locker and put on his kimono. "I must hurry if I'm to make my next appointment. "Will I see you at the party tonight?"

"Can't, my daughter's dance recital is tonight," the Annihilator replied. "But we'll definitely be at the Sunday brunch."

"Wonderful. There's going to be an omelet bar." Splinter headed for the door. "See you tomorrow."

> > > > >

Splinter's next and final stop was the Mirage. Once again, he walked through the casino and over to a door marked EMPLOYEES ONLY. This time there were security guards, but they smiled and waved him through, just like they did every year. Splinter breezed into the dressing room of…

"SPLINTER! My friend, I am so happy to see you!" Siegfried cried. He jumped up from his chair and enveloped Splinter in a big hug.

"I am happy to see you as well," Splinter gasped. "How is Roy?"

"Much better," Siegfried smiled. "Your cards and emails have been very inspiring. Roy can't wait to see you."

"And I cannot wait to see him," Splinter replied. "But the show must go on."

Siegfried wiped a tear from his eye. "Is it any wonder why we love you?"

Just outside the dressing room, the theater lights dimmed over a sold-out audience. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," a disembodied voice boomed over a loudspeaker. "HERE FOR HIS ANNUAL ONE-WEEK ENGAGEMENT…PRESENTING…SIEGFRIED AND…SPLINTER!"

The stage exploded in a puff of purple smoke, and when it cleared Siegfried and Splinter were standing there wearing matching glittering purple and gold outfits, complete with large capes and six-foot-tall, gold-colored staffs with blue glowing balls on top. Splinter jumped high into the air, did a triple somersault, and landed on a bed of nails. The audience gasped, then watched with awe as Splinter did a few quick katas on the spikes, leaping through flaming hoops for good measure; with one final triple somersault he landed on the stage, completely unharmed. The audience erupted in deafening applause.

"Yes! Put your hands together for Splinter!" Siegfried cried. "And if you think that was amazing, wait until you see what happens next!"

For the next two hours, Siegfried and Splinter wowed the audience with incredible death-defying illusions involving fire, giant buzz saws, giant predators, and several costume changes, ending the show with a mind-boggling trick so unbelievable, there is no way to describe it (except that it involved six white tigers, a chorus of showgirls, a disco ball and 3,000 packets of string cheese). After the performance Siegfried and Splinter hurried right from the stage to a waiting limo, barely staying ahead of the throngs of admirers.

The limo drove them to Siegfried and Roy's estate just outside the city. Siegfried opened the front doors of the main house to a big party in full swing. From the ceiling hung a huge banner that read, "WELCOME BACK SPLINTER!" All attention turned to Splinter as he entered the room. The guests applauded and cheered; a man in a motorized wheelchair made his way through the crowd and pulled up in front of Splinter.

"SPLINTER!" Roy cried. The two embraced.

"Roy, it does my heart good to see you looking so well," Splinter smiled.

"It is all thanks to you," Roy said. "Those meditation techniques you taught me have given me my life back."

"You are too kind," Splinter said.

"Nonsense! But enough about me…did that unsightly rash on your son Raphael's posterior ever go away?"

The party continued into the wee hours of the morning. Splinter grabbed a few hours' sleep in the guest bedroom before heading back to the Circus Circus casino.

And so the cycle repeated itself for seven days. Splinter would start the day with Blackjack, then Keno with Bob and Flo. After lunch Splinter, a.k.a Ninja Overlord, spent the afternoon in the ring at MGM Grand, and every evening he would perform alongside Siegfried at the Mirage. After the big welcoming party nights at the estate were peaceful; Splinter spent most of his time hot tubbing or getting a massage from Greta, Siegfried and Roy's personal masseuse. On eve of the seventh day, Splinter bid farewell to his colorful friends.

"Even though I know the answer, I must ask you nonetheless," Roy said. "Will you and your sons move to Las Vegas? You can all live here."

"As always, your offer is deeply appreciated, but I must refuse," Splinter replied. "We are needed in New York."

"Then go, my friend, and always know you are close to our hearts." Siegfried said.

"As are you in mine," Splinter said. "Until next year." He waved goodbye and left the estate on foot. He had refused a ride to the airport; he had one last stop to make before heading home.

> > > > >

The bus sped past a sign that read WELCOME TO THE HOOVER DAM. None of the passengers noticed a giant rat jump off the back bumper; thanks to the old tuck-and-roll technique, he landed completely unharmed. Shaking the dust off his kimono, Splinter sniffed the air until he found the scent he was looking for; he followed it for half a mile to a small campfire surrounded by college kids, three guys and two girls.

Splinter sat in the shadows for five minutes, observing the kids talking, laughing, and sharing a bottle of cheap wine. Suddenly one of the girls, a willowy redhead, grew silent and looked around. "Guys, shut up!" She snapped.

Her friends immediately shut up and listened. Splinter was as quiet as a…well, you know. After several tense minutes the girl jumped up and pointed to the inky blackness beyond the light of the fire.

"Ha! I found you this time Splinter!" She cried with glee.

Splinter emerged from the darkness behind the girl and her friends. "An excellent effort, Kimberly, but no cigar."

The girl turned around. "Shoot!" She cried, stomping her foot. "I was so close!"

"That you were," Splinter said. "Your skills grow sharper with each passing year."

"Okay, now that we're all here, let's do this!" One of the guys, Trevor, exclaimed. Everyone got to their feet, whooping and hollering, and walked over to their truck, which was backed up against the wall of the dam; tied to the bumper was a bungee cord.

Splinter hopped onto the wall and stared down at the millions of gallons of rushing water surging far below him. He stood perfectly still as Trevor tied the other end of the bungee cord around his ankles. "Okay, Splinter, you're good to go," Trevor said, stepping back.

"But first, how about a shot of liquid courage?" His friend Andy asked, holding out the half-empty wine bottle.

"True courage comes from within," Splinter replied. "But screw that, I'm on vacation!"

He snatched the bottle and drained it as the kids cheered him on. "SPLIN-TER! SPLIN-TER!" They chanted. Handing the bottle back to Andy, he turned and leaped in the abyss, the roar of the water ringing in his ears and the spray splashing against his face as he plunged down…down…

"All right, that's enough! I can't take it anymore!"

The sheer volume of his older brother's voice jolted Mike out of his vivid fantasy so abruptly, he almost lost his balance and fell off the coffee table. Annoyed by the interruption, Mike glared at Raph, who was sitting on the couch in front of him with Leo and Don. "Okay Mr. Smarty Shell, what do YOU think Master Splinter does on his annual retreat?"

"I dunno, but I'm sure it doesn't involve gambling, wrestling, drinking, or jumping off the Hoover Dam!" Raph snapped. "And I'm damn sure he doesn't talk about the rash on my butt! That was ten years ago!"

"Come on, Mikey, this is far-fetched even for you," Don said.

"They're right, you know," Leo said. "Master Splinter probably does a lot of mediating, fasting and spiritual reflection."

"C'mon, guys, he does all that stuff at home, every single day! I bet even Master Splinter needs a to take a break from the usual routine and really cut loose!"

At that moment the door to the lair opened and Splinter walked in, his bundle slung over his shoulder. "My sons! I am home!"

The turtles rushed to greet their father, surrounding him in a tight circle. "MasterSplinter Howwasyourtrip Whatdidyoudo Wheredidyougo…" they all talked on top of one another, competing for Splinter's attention like they had from they day they learned to talk.

Splinter held up a paw. "It is good to see you, my sons. My retreat was wonderful. But I am very tired from my journey, and wish to rest. If you'll excuse me…"

The turtles watched Splinter walk into his room. As soon as the doors shut behind him, Mike turned to his brothers. "There! You see! Master Splinter's 'very tired!' Now why do you suppose that is? Could it be because he's been partying in Vegas for seven straight days!"

"Geez, Mikey, give it a rest already!" Raph snapped.

"I can't! I didn't make this stuff up, guys! I KNOW for a FACT it happened!"

"All right, Mikey, I'll play along," Leo sighed. "How do you know?"

"It came to me in a vision," Mike said smugly, folding his arms.

Dead silence. Incredulous stares. His brothers waited for Mike to start laughing and admit he was putting them on, but for once in his life the youngest turtle was serious.

"I'm outta here," Don said. He headed in the direction of his lab.

"I did have a vision! I swear!" Mike yelled at his brother's retreating shell. "I fell asleep watching TV last night, and I saw the whole thing in my head! The magic show, the Hoover Dam…everything!"

"Yeah, I've had stuff like that happen to me too," Raphael said. "They're called DREAMS, bonehead!"

Mike turned to Leo. "You believe me, don't you bro? You of all people should understand where I'm coming from!"

"I believe you, Mikey," Leo said solemnly. "I just have one question…"

"Yeah?"

"At any point during your vision...did Obi-Wan Kenobi show up and tell you to use the Force?"

Leo and Raph burst out laughing. Mike's face turned from green to red. "Fine!" He snapped. "See if I ever confide in you guys again!" He stomped off to his room.

"I'm gonna hold you to that!" Raph yelled after him. He turned to Leo. "Nice one, bro."

"I couldn't resist," Leo chuckled. "Sometimes that kid really asks for it."

"Yeah, but that's why I love him," Raph said. "So, up for a sparring session?"

The two turtles headed for the dojo. On the way they ran into Don, who was standing next to Splinter's door with a very odd look on his face.

"What's the matter, Don?" Leo asked.

"I found this on the floor," Don said. "I think it fell out of the bundle Sensei was carrying."

The other two turtles looked at the object in Don's hand. Their eyes grew wide with disbelief.

"Don…" Leo said slowly. "Is that a poker chip?"

THE END


End file.
